I Thought I Had It Together—Then I Came To The End Of Myself

"The end of yourself is the beginning of grace." — John Mark Comer

In a world full of marketing, advertising, and information, we are constantly bombarded with materialism, self-centeredness and the ‘never enough’ mentality.

We constantly want ‘more,’ ‘better,’ and the ‘best’.

Society views success as having it all together—even appearing perfect or strong. When we are weak or appear to not have it together, we fall into the trap of hiding or isolating ourselves so as not to “expose” our vulnerabilities.

Allow me to invite you into last week…

Last week, I fell into a hole of ‘despair’. Something happened that triggered my insecurities, pulling me into the trap of feeling either 'not enough' or 'too much.' I lost complete perspective and fell into the trap of believing lies that are simply not true. I completely doubted myself, my strengths and my pursuit of business mentoring.

So classically, I started comparing myself to people on a completely different journey than me. And naturally, people 10-20 years ahead of me.

I was measuring myself against a scale I created in my mind and that was never intended for me to use.

I felt like a complete imposter when I fell into this deep hole of comparison, self-doubt, frustration and stuck-ness as I often encourage friends, family and clients to believe in their abilities, take action and not care about what others think.

I questioned myself—how could I be saying all these things—encouraging my clients (and friends) to believe in their abilities and leave comparison at the back door—when I was doing the very same?!

The next day, I went to my go-to café in the city to get out of my head and attempt to gain some perspective, and a friend—who also happens to be the barista—asked how I was doing. I simply said… “There’s been better days.” without specifying what was going on. He then simply responded – “When you are weak, you are at your strongest.” and I immediately knew what Scripture he was referring to:

“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Meaning when we face a season of despair…

When we feel hopeless

When we feel purposeless

When we feel like an imposter

When we feel weak…

There is an OPPORTUNITY —

an opportunity for what?

An opportunity to lean not on our own understanding.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

An opportunity to run to Him and accept the grace of God—His divine empowerment that allows us to go beyond our natural ability, as John Bevere describes. And for God’s power to fill us up, because when we are weak – He is STRONG. It’s a reminder to resign as 'Manager of the Universe,' lay down our self-appointed crowns, and let God step in. To surrender. To allow ourselves to be fully loved by our Perfect Father and Ultimate Comforter. For His very power, His very grace — gives us rest. Peace. And a sound mind.

It reminds me of this song above which goes:

“We fall down.
We lay our crowns.
At the feet of Jesus.”

Last week, I truly fell down.

A visual representation of what I felt inside. Blurry. Foggy. Unclear. Cloudy.

I couldn’t do it on my own. I came to the end of myself.

Lies that hadn’t been there for a while. Thoughts that I thought I had dealt with and overcome. Insecurities I didn’t even know I had.

When things are going well, it’s easy to forget how much I need Him. But in moments of weakness, I am reminded that God is the only constant source of strength.

“The end of yourself is the beginning of grace.”
— John Mark Comer

In the last year, I was operating from a place of momentum

—where things felt easy, exciting, and full of energy. Based on my external and internal reality. And when challenging circumstances entered into my reality and I lost perspective—I realised how much I still needed to lean on Him.

I had to lay down my crowns—my self-awareness, my need to analyse every little thought and feeling. And just embrace it. Embrace my insecurities. My self-doubt DESPITE having been so strong for a while.

And then I had to run to the feet of Jesus and SURRENDER. Give back the crown to Him. And say “I need You.”

And ask Him, “I need a fresh perspective.”

I’m still processing, I'm still in it — as represented in the clouds in the image above. However, can you see that the clouds look more crisp? The clouds aren’t completely gone. I’m still working through things. But surrender made space for light to break through, for peace to slowly make it’s way into my heart, and for a clearer perspective to begin forming.

My desire is to become so dependent on God, that I never forget to include him. In the highs. In the lows. In the knowing. In the unknown. And that I never forget to accept His GRACE.

I hope this serves as a reminder that we are all human.

We all fall short of the glory of God and that we all hit lows and dips of self-doubt EVEN those of us that look like we “have it all together”. Even as someone who aims to follows Jesus in all I do (which I definitely don’t get right most of the time), I’m still human. I still make mistakes. And I still catch myself wanting to steal the glory.

But my life’s mission is to glorify Him. And enjoy life in the process and keep my eyes on Him despite easily getting distracted. And that you are not alone and we are all on a journey of figuring out life, and that we GET TO live life TOGETHER, in community, glorifying God together.

So if you’re in a season of doubt, take heart—God’s strength is made perfect in your weakness. And He is with you in it all.

Keep showing up. You’ve got this. <3